Morning Person...

Perhaps I will become a "morning person"... ok, now all of you who know me can get back up into your seats and compose yourself. Yes... I said it, the word "morning" in reference to myself, and not in the context of sleeping well into it. This week I have found myself up before 7 a.m... 4 out of 5 mornings. This is normal for some, and I have had working stretches of being up well before the sun for weeks on end (or never-ending as it often felt). However this week it was all on my own accord (with a little help from that pesky Brother... who certainly IS a morning person), and dare I say... I have enjoyed it. I have also been quite productive with this time, and feel a certain sense of reinventing myself by doing so.

I have had times in my life when I thought about making a change to really solidify a shift in my... lets say, "existence". You know, one of those times where you just know you need to change the dynamic of your world (perhaps inner, outer or both). Sometimes I cut my hair... or let it grow... or change locations (perhaps repeatedly every few weeks), jobs, start running/stop running... lots of things. This is where I am. The kind of shift where I want to create a different way of looking at the world (and maybe change the way the world looks at me). Changing a very ingrained pattern in my life (one that is often used to partially define me) is a pretty dramatic way to do that. It is also a pattern that has existed as a constant over all the types of changes that I listed above... thus giving it a different weight.

I have done a lot of processing and growing through this blog, and the past few years of dealing with my grief has been a great teacher. Yet... I haven't felt the shift of breaking free of that classroom... rarely taking ownership of what I have learned. This has left me frustrated. I have been waiting for the shift to happen to me, rather than creating the shift with my action. Knowledge is not worth much in the classroom... only when we leave that space and put it into action do we see the level of our understanding (and usually see we have a ways to go... which is actually the fun part). Not to say we never return to the classroom... but the trick is knowing when you are stuck there. And then the task becomes finding your way out.

I am going to see if this "early morning" door is my way out... out into a world that I know needs my full participation, rather than just the parts of me that get past my self-conscience fears. Can't say that it is going to be the only door for me, but it certainly will be potent statement that I am working on it. Today... it was a beautiful morning outside the classroom.

Today: 3 (early morning) miles
Week: 3 miles (plus 6 miles hiking)