TGIF

I love to say that, but it really isn't any different than any other day for me... except that there are more people to play with on the weekends I guess. Anyway, it is a beuatiful Friday here in the Bay. I just got done with a nice easy run (got to rest up for the big day tomorrow ;-) It should be perfect weather tomorrow over on Angel Island. A little nicer than January (it was pouring rain). Anyway, ten million things going on right now... thats a lot... so, have a GREAT weekend everyone!

Today: 3 miles
Week: 11 miles

Something Fun...

Here is something to occupy your time while you should be working (ahhh, this stuff is much more fun)... Map My Run.

No Title

Today: 5 miles
Week: 8 miles

Its a minimalist kind of day...

Mental Marbles

By all accounts, today should have been great... I saw, and talked to good friends that I don't see often. Watched some futbol, ate amazingly well today (always a bright spot for me)... However, I just never had the mental marbles to enjoy it. I am not sure what the deal was. Just couldn't come up with it. Part of that might have been a lack of a run... so, part of why I am writing this stuff down, is to make sure to run tomorrow. Whenever I reach a new mental plateau it always hurts twice as much when I slide off... it is part of the cycle. I understand that, but damn it still hurts. I guess I need to recognize that it is probably my "self" trying to tell me something... time out perhaps. I need to be a better listener. That is why this blog is good for me... there are lots of ears that keep me in check. Not that I am good with nagging, but knowing that I hate contradiction... when I am not listening to my own needs, putting it in writing makes me see my own contradictions. That usually helps force change. It always comes back to, one step in front of the other. No matter how fast, or slow, or experienced... one foot in front of the other. One step...

Walk away feeling Good

Any run that you walk away feeling good about... is a good run! It could be short or long, slow or fast... it doesn't really matter as long as you walk away feeling good about it. I had one of those this morning. It was short, but I felt strong and there was no pain from the knee. The day is amazing (70s during my run, and on the rise). I will be doing the run that I did back in January on Saturday. That will be fun, and even better than the first go... because I am doing it with friends this time around (oh, and I will have the chance to break Skippy off... did I just say that out loud ;-)

Today: 3 miles
Week: 3 miles

Pink Triangle

Pink Triangle,
originally uploaded by TreeBed.

This week was a bit of a wash in the running department. I did discover that something has changed in me... a motivation or lightbulb to live that is growing brighter (a good thing to see). However, I didn't see a whole lot of results in terms of pounding the pavement. I did try to get my last run of the week in tonight... but my knee didn't really like the whole day in the car yesterday. So, it was more of a run, walk, run, walk, run... type thing. I will call it 3, but that is being generous.

On an inspirational note though. This morning I went with my mom into SF and helped (well, supported) my cousin (and a bunch of family that came into town) put up a giant Pink Triangle, a symbol used by the Nazis to recognize and persecute gays (among a whole batch of other symbols for people they didn't like, and ultimately tried to destroy). The gay community has adopted that symbol in a way to take back that persecution, and turn it into a pride of acceptance as well as remembrance. Perhaps gay issues make you uncomfortable, that is ok... but hopefully you can see the value in having justice for ALL people. This is a celebration and a symbol about recognizing the humanity that we all share. Remembering that we must work together to give ALL people a chance at the happiness that we all crave. A powerful and needed message in our world today. It was quite a festive event... with the mayor, celebrities (none of which I really new cause I don't watch enough TV) and just a cool community atmosphere. A good reminder to be good to each other.

Today: 3 miles
Week: 9 miles

Weaverville

I am kickin it in Weaverville with my mom. No run so far today, but we did do a nice 5 mile hike. We'll see if I have anything left for a run tonight... it would be nice, but might not happen. It is good to get out and see some new scenery. We are staying at a funky little place, the Weaverville Hotel. Last night when we returned to our room... the sheets had been turned down (not unusual), we had truffles on our pillows (nice touch) and there was a cat in our room (a little strange ;-) Mom sort of jumped when she saw it... He snuck in and then got stuck in there. He sort of acted like he had more business being there than we did.

Just Change

So the bad news is that I had a discipline hick-up the past two days... sure I had lots to do, and some poor logistics. However, I could have got at least one run in, and didn't MAKE it happen. The good news is... I already have my run in today, and it is not yet 7am!!! I went to bed making a deal with myself that if my mom got up before 7am, then I would get up and get a short run in. What do you know... I woke up at 6:11. I even tried to fight it... I gave myself the line, "I got things to do... (see Paul and I's earlier comments)" despite my best efforts to ignore the voice in my head (or most likely my heart), I got out of bed and went for a short (but sweet) run. There is an internal change that has happened. By letting go of some of the baggage in my heart, I have cleared the room of stuff to hide behind. That I must say... feels pretty good!

Oh, yeah... I am at my mom's (Vancouver, WA). This is a less than 24 hour visit. Flew in last night, drive away this morning. Mom decided she wanted to do a road trip, and I decided I needed some traveling that didn't involve... long days, sleeping on couches, many hours on planes, or much work in general. I have had fun doing all those things the past two months, but I have realized that they still take their toll. So, a little road trip down to CA with mom should be fun. Hope everyone's week is going well.

Today: 3 miles
Week: 6 miles

Smile

It was a good day... not exactly the easiest, but I am ok with that. Plenty of moments that made me think of my Dad and smile (a few tears in there too). It also felt good to have let out the thoughts that I shared last night. I walked with a lighter heart today. And I got a short run in...

Today: 3 miles
Week: 3 miles

Letting Go...

No run yet, letting it cool down... we'll see if it happens. I am happy with the week so far, but hitting 20 would be nice. Today the focus shifts a bit back to my grieving process. It is a topic that hasn't popped up here for awhile... and I do admit that is partly due to neglecting the process... However, I am also happy to say it is partly because I am far enough along the process to not have it consume all my attention. I am making this weekend about letting go. It is not an easy weekend. Dad passed away on Father's Day and so it makes it sort of a double whammy. I am certainly in a much different place than I was when it happened, and also from a year ago... it is hard to believe 2 years have passed. I am looking at this next year as a time to embrace and put into practice the things that I have worked for over the past year (and mostly over the past 6 months or so). What I am about to write is my story of my day two years ago. It is something that I don't want to carry around anymore as a burden. It will always be a part of me... but right now it is something that weighs me down because I want a "pay back" for it... it is one of those horrible experiences that you go through in life and think that no one else could understand, and you feel like the world owes you something for putting you through it. My Dad was a gift to both me and all who met him. For that I am thankful... by letting this story out for the world to read, I am connecting to both the suffering and joy that is our existence as humans. Here is my attempt to tap into that, and let go of some of my own pain...

Two years ago today I said goodbye to my Dad before going to work, just as I had the whole week prior... these were not careless words tossed out, banking on the thoughtless faith that I would see him again soon. No, these goodbyes were small rituals of letting go. Letting go of the idea that the body that lie there (practically unconscious) was still my Dad, and that he would still have his breath when I returned. In retrospect, I am not sure why I was still going to work during those last days... I suppose that the process had been so drawn out that it just made sense, that is what he would have done. Knowing I could not do anything to change the outcome of what was going to happen... I would go pass the time with the distraction that was my job. Part of me wishes I would have just stayed there and sat with him. However, this day, like those earlier in the week I would not get the half expected phone call at work (although each time it rang I winced), and when I returned home I would get the chance to simply sit with him. It was horrible. He was in a great deal of pain, and seemed less and less the form that I knew as my Dad. The feeling of extreme helplessness was drowning everyone in the house... although we all played it cool, if nothing else to support each other (the only form of "something helpful" we could do). My final hours with him felt every bit as long as the 20 some years that his death was inevitable. The sound of his labored breathing made me wish for the most deafening silence, the kind that is maddening when you are actually surrounded by it. However, as the hours went by that was still my wish... a silent freedom for everyone, most of all him. Each agonizing cough, or struggle that he made caused everyone in the room to hold their own breath. Watching the human body fail connects you deeply to your own fragility. It changes you. It is as if you were told a secret that you are not supposed to share at any cost, but you have the eerie feeling that everyone else knows... each person walking along pretending they haven't been told. I sat there, holding his hand... feeling what little life he still had trying to connect to me and take care of me... knowing that this experience was causing me (and other loved ones) pain was probably what was hardest for him. I tried to pour all the love that I had into that touch. How do you truly convey how much someone means to you, or how much you love them? After a number of hours, I could hardly stand it... I just wanted him to let go, move on to what ever was in front of him. I put my hand on his chest and did my best to touch his heart, "go be free..." I don't know how many times I said it, and then finally it happened. His body quit. It couldn't fight anymore... his breath became calm for a few moments... and he was gone. My own breath struggles even as I write this... However, there was a sense of freedom. A letting go. It was late midnight... Father's Day. I wasn't sure what that meant to me anymore. My brother and I held on to each other for a bit, and the others who were in the house. He lay there still, I didn't fully comprehend until we turned on the light... that the body in front of me was most definitely no longer my Dad. There are several images that will never leave me, and that is certainly one of them. Next was all the formalities... the things you have to do when someone dies. These is a numbness that goes with all of this... it is simply going through the motions of something, like getting your car fixed or ordering take out. Very little of it seems to fit the scope of what just happened. After sometime had passed I went out to the front steps of the house. It was a pleasant night, with a clear sky... clear enough to view the stars. I decided that I would go to the stars to find my Dad from then on. It made sense. The stars are there whether we can see them or not... I can't exactly comprehend them, but they somehow make sense... and never fail to amaze me. I have not searched out those stars very often over the passed two years. I think that I am ready to start doing that a little more often. I now recognize the value of that ritual, and the strength I can pull from my experience. That is part of sharing it. Allowing myself to honor the experience as something that has shaped my life. Seeing that life doesn't "owe" me anything... but that it is my responsibility to use what I have learned along the way to strengthen and appreciate the relationships that I have. If you have read this, then I thank you for sharing in this process, and I am blessed by that connection... whether I know you well, or you are a stranger that stumbled upon this and we are now connected by our humanity. Give thanks tomorrow for those relationships you cherish (fathers or otherwise), we are fragile, but there is a strength that lies underneath the surface that is unlimited... be freed by that strength.

Hot Hot Hot

It was a warm one here today... made for sort of an ugly run, but I did it. Not much else...

Today: 4 miles
Week: 16+ miles

Time Change

Today I made the time adjustment work for me... I heard my brother leave at 6am, and I was awake... so I got up. Weird. I guess it is a good thing. I have already got some time in the garden, a few hours of work in and a run. I will admit that it is sort of creeping me out that it is not even noon yet. Perhaps I will become an early riser... we'll see what happens as the time change wears off.

Today: 5 miles
Week: 12+ miles

Cob Work Party

Cob-A-Sutra,
originally uploaded by TreeBed.

Well, nothing like jumping right into things... no rest for the weary. I spent the majority of today playing in the dirt. I met up with the lady who taught my Permaculture course (Penny Livingston-Stark) to help out with a work party building a cob green house in Petaluma. Cob is a mixture of clay, sand and straw that is used as a building material. It has been used for thousands of years and there are plenty of examples around the world of what a wonderful way of building cob is. The best part about it is that it is so simple and community oriented. It is basically all about playing in the dirt...

Tonight I am going to a lecture in the same spot that will be on Regenerative Design ideas. Should be fun. Who needs a day of rest...

Breakfast

Breakfast,
originally uploaded by TreeBed.

Now it is back on a plane... Hope everyone's Monday is a pleasant one.

Slowly, But Surely

I was really tight this morning (a lot of driving yesterday), but I got a short one in... And that strings together a pretty solid block of running for me. It is in the right direction anyway. I am starting to get that feeling of running being a built in part of my day. I teetered on skipping out this morning... "ahhh, I ran yesterday... and I am tight (all the more reason to run), and..." However, that something in my head that has clicked back into "running mode (well, actually I would say its more of "take care of myself mode") got me out the door. The trick will be keeping it going when I go home. I still haven't found the secret to getting it done in Vallejo... but it sounds like a good challenge. Heck, the way this year has been I will only be home for a week anyways... Time to go shower and find a good breakfast spot.

Today: 3 miles (hammy was tight, tight, tight...)
Week: 7+ miles

Lots of Possibilities...

Ahhh, the last night of my travels... I will be heading home tomorrow, and I look forward to being home for a bit. This was a good trip with lots of different things going on. Many different roads laid out in front of me. Tonight I took a road that had no end... I thought I would do a little loop around the lake, but the lake never ended. Luckily it didn't end up being to much longer than I was shooting for, and it was good for me to get an extra mile in. It was a perfect night for running. A good end to my journeys.

Today: 4+ miles
Week: 4+ miles

Got to Love it...

Well, maybe... Good ole Iowa. Run one day and it is hot as hell, the next there is a wind chill that makes it feel 40 degrees. My poor body wasn't quite sure what to think. Only went for a short 3, but it felt pretty good (other than the monster freezing cold wind ;-) I have never been much for morning running, but it sure does feel good to start your day and have a run under your belt. I don't know that I had a choice... I woke up to country music blaring outside Chad apartment window. It is Flag Fest going on in Spencer, and today is the parade... great day for a parade.

Oh and Skippy, motivation was noted and taken into account this morning... we'll see what happens ;-)

Today: 3 miles
Week: 13 miles (double digits for the first time in a while)

run

Well, no excuses for yesterday... I did get a decent walk in (not the same, I know), to much crammed into the day. Today on the other hand, I am happy to report a solid 6 miler. I got to run through a park just outside of town, mowed trail through the tall grass, and much of it along a small river. It was warm, but a nice breeze kept it comfortable. No knee pain, and over all... a great run. It also was good to get out and let my mind spin a bit. Often a run will clarify messy thoughts. We'll see. Now I have earned my right to be tired... and I think it nap time.

Today: 6 miles
Week: 10 miles

Yummm...

Well, I must admit... I was feeling a bit sorry for myself the past day or so. Once again I left Alabama without finishing off what I set out to do. Part of this is somewhat unrealistic expectations of my learning curve with a totally new medium, but I also have to own up to this outcome being an all to common theme in my life. That was somewhat depressing. However, I am now in Omaha (getting ready to head to Spencer, IA), and I am feeling a bit better. I decided to take a little time to myself and eat in Omaha before the drive (in my sweet mini-van rental). I ended up at the Upstream Brewing. I was thinking just normal brew pub fare... but ended up going for a beautifully prepared rib-eye Omaha steak (with maytag blue-cheese butter & chives) over organic greens, and potato fingers. This was a great way to get back on track. I also had a pretty tasty IPA. So, if you find yourself in Omaha, check it out. Anyway, it is amazing how a good meal can change your world. I thought of many my favorite meals dinning with friends and family. Even though this meal was solo, I had all those memories to keep me company. Now it is on to the next project... time to gear up a bit... this could be the beginning of big things. I almost feel that this will be a major corner I am turning in my life. That is exciting. A little scary, but exciting. Got to get a run in tomorrow. No excuses.

A...T...L

Went to Atlanta for the first time yesterday... sat in major traffic (construction), had a tasty iced coffee from quite the trendy little coffee bar, did IKEA (complete with drama), ate dinner in Buckhead (oooh) and headed back to T-town. Whew!!! Today has been a solid day of work. I will get some pictures up tonight of progress. Just got a nice 4 miles in... a good start to a week of running (that is the goal anyway).

Today: 4 miles
Week: 4 miles

Run

Got my first run in a while in today. Tucked it into the fringe of a storm rolling in, and enjoyed a pleasant temp... and a beautiful rain. I was a little nervous on how I would feel. I have felt so crappy, but this run actually felt pretty good. As soon as I got out of the truck the humid air filled my nose and it smelled just like a summer run in Iowa. Normally that wouldn't have triggered "good" thoughts, but today... it made me think of times when I was in shape and rollin. That was a good way to start the run. I did my usual 4 miles (I let Beetle go crank a few on his own). However, afterwards I put a few strides in... this was almost magical (yes, that is a little corny, but true). I remembered strength, discipline and confidence I have not seen in a long time. I reconnected to all the strides I had put in after solid training runs, before races... I used them to build a conditioned response in my body. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that it is still there. This definitely got me ready to put together my next training plan, and get to work. I'm so tired of being wishy-washy in my life... I want to strive for a life "in the middle", but there are most certainly times when we need to be decisive. The trick is clearing your plate enough to trust your gut on when to do that, and what course to choose. I have been saying I would like to have one more shot at being in shape (decent enough shape to crank a bit and feel good), but I have not been putting energy towards sustaining focus on that goal. Mostly I have just blown it off... sometimes for good reason. However, this might be the time. So, I am going to get back to my 30 miles a week deal that I made myself... see how that feels... and make a clear plan of what I want to accomplish. Stay tuned...

Today: 4 miles
Week: 4 miles

Coming Together...

Coming Together...,
originally uploaded by TreeBed.

It is looking pretty darn cool. Click on the picture and check it out.

Chewy Air

Well, I am happy to report that the South has met expectations finally for weather. It is hot, and the air is thick. I had quite the fun day getting here yesterday... First the commute and BART didn't cooperate in getting me to the airport on time. Yep, missed flight, but then I was put on another flight quickly... great, one plane to Birmingham... one plane that stopped in San Diego and then Kansas City, and then St. Louis and THEN Birmingham. And since we were running a bit late, there was no getting off the plane... which means, lots of peanuts as my meals for the day. If this sounds fun to you... please check yourself into a mental ward soon, you are NOT well. However, after a delicious Reuben and a couple of tasty IPAs... I was feeling much better.

Anyway, I was struggling to get my energy up for this trip... but now that I am here, I am ready to roll. Especially after seeing the store... it looks really good. I will get some pics up soon. Off to work...