Horse!

When that horse bucks you off... sometimes the best thing to do is just get right back in the saddle and go again. That is what I did today (although there was no horse involved). When woke up this morning I didn't intend on even trying to run again today. I felt so banged up and defeated yesterday I figured I would take a day or so to lick my wounds. However, as I rolled into the evening last night I was gaining some energy... and it happen to push right on through the morning. I had an insightful e-mail conversation that left me thinking, "I need to get back out there! I need to change my perspective (thanks friend)". It was really more of a mental thing, because I barely went far enough for me to count it as a run. Although I did achieve a brief moment of letting go... of stillness (it was short lived with the pounding of my heart taking over). It was actually quite sweet to touch on that. I have started this year off with a severe lack of confidence. So to even have a little success was a much needed lift. I won't even talk about how out of shape I am... although, there is part of me that is looking forward to the long slow climb. That in it self is good to feel.

Up?

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Originally uploaded by TreeBed

Well... here I am again... out of shape both physically and mentally. It seems I keep finding myself in this place. Today I prescribed myself a run. I need it. My heart and mind are stuck, and my body is a rusty pile of bones. I wanted to find a space of inspiration, of momentum... instead I fell flat on my face... and then some. Perhaps this means there is no where to go but up? I am not sure. I tried to listen to the wind as I hobbled back to my car. I was sure there was some wisdom carried in the rain drops as the began to fall, mixing with the tears that broke through when I hit the ground. However, there was no such clarity, just a muddy mess.

I think to find such clarity I need to re-learn the art of stillness. Things only shake out and settle when we are still. My running often takes the form of stillness (at least it did once upon a time). I remember runs that were so effortless, it was like I was floating... my muscles merely pumping energy into my heart and mind to fulfill their purpose. In some ways they carried this task out today. When my feet slipped out from under me... it was a not so subtle reminder (or slap in the face... er knee) to be still.

I have started this journey many times now, from what appears to be the bottom. A place that feels dark and lonely. A space in my life where it seems all my wounds get ripped open at once... So, here I am again. Ready to set out and mend those wounds. Hope that they will heal a bit more, become a bit stronger before the next fall. I will choose to see today not so much as a set back (or further sliding down), but as an intense taste of stillness. A stillness that I must find to go about this journey with intention.

Today: ouch!
Week: we shall see...

Bike

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Originally uploaded by TreeBed

Happy New Year everyone... I hope it is treating you well. It has been a little rough around the edges in my world, but the sun has been shining so I will smile. Another good thing about the sun shining in CA (compared to IA in January)... is that there is no excuse to not get the running shoes on and get going. I will admit that the shoes have not made it out yet, but I am happy to say... the BIKE has. Yes, I am wading into new territory and getting back on a bike for the first time (consistently) since I was a kid!

Last time through the Northwest I picked up my mom and dad's old bikes (from when I was a kid). They had been banished to live a sad life in the shed for many years, and with the help of my house-mate (josh)... they have found a second wind.

I am hoping I find a second (or so) wind myself. I am ready to find a rhythm once again to my fitness. To understand where my body is at and how far I can push it. I have decided to make the bike an intricate part of this. This choice is based partly on the state of my body (and joints). The miles over the years, and the time off have added up to a hurting unit. However, I also think it will be helpful to have a new challenge to tackle. I have no preconceived notions of what I can do on a bike, and thus can partially just enjoy it. Many of my running attempts are often foiled by my bodies lack of ability to do what it knows I once did. My hope is that the bike will allow my body to catch up a bit to the mental part of my running... eventually putting everything in sync. The tentative goal at that point is to perhaps start looking at some biathlons or triathlons.

For now I am enjoying my short rides, and looking forward to a run sometime soon.