Well... here I am again... out of shape both physically and mentally. It seems I keep finding myself in this place. Today I prescribed myself a run. I need it. My heart and mind are stuck, and my body is a rusty pile of bones. I wanted to find a space of inspiration, of momentum... instead I fell flat on my face... and then some. Perhaps this means there is no where to go but up? I am not sure. I tried to listen to the wind as I hobbled back to my car. I was sure there was some wisdom carried in the rain drops as the began to fall, mixing with the tears that broke through when I hit the ground. However, there was no such clarity, just a muddy mess.
I think to find such clarity I need to re-learn the art of stillness. Things only shake out and settle when we are still. My running often takes the form of stillness (at least it did once upon a time). I remember runs that were so effortless, it was like I was floating... my muscles merely pumping energy into my heart and mind to fulfill their purpose. In some ways they carried this task out today. When my feet slipped out from under me... it was a not so subtle reminder (or slap in the face... er knee) to be still.
I have started this journey many times now, from what appears to be the bottom. A place that feels dark and lonely. A space in my life where it seems all my wounds get ripped open at once... So, here I am again. Ready to set out and mend those wounds. Hope that they will heal a bit more, become a bit stronger before the next fall. I will choose to see today not so much as a set back (or further sliding down), but as an intense taste of stillness. A stillness that I must find to go about this journey with intention.
Today: ouch!
Week: we shall see...
This is an attempt to use my community (near and far) to help on my journey to get both my body and soul back in shape. It is a running journal, and a record of how that often parallels the walk of my life.
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