Up?

21
Originally uploaded by TreeBed

Well... here I am again... out of shape both physically and mentally. It seems I keep finding myself in this place. Today I prescribed myself a run. I need it. My heart and mind are stuck, and my body is a rusty pile of bones. I wanted to find a space of inspiration, of momentum... instead I fell flat on my face... and then some. Perhaps this means there is no where to go but up? I am not sure. I tried to listen to the wind as I hobbled back to my car. I was sure there was some wisdom carried in the rain drops as the began to fall, mixing with the tears that broke through when I hit the ground. However, there was no such clarity, just a muddy mess.

I think to find such clarity I need to re-learn the art of stillness. Things only shake out and settle when we are still. My running often takes the form of stillness (at least it did once upon a time). I remember runs that were so effortless, it was like I was floating... my muscles merely pumping energy into my heart and mind to fulfill their purpose. In some ways they carried this task out today. When my feet slipped out from under me... it was a not so subtle reminder (or slap in the face... er knee) to be still.

I have started this journey many times now, from what appears to be the bottom. A place that feels dark and lonely. A space in my life where it seems all my wounds get ripped open at once... So, here I am again. Ready to set out and mend those wounds. Hope that they will heal a bit more, become a bit stronger before the next fall. I will choose to see today not so much as a set back (or further sliding down), but as an intense taste of stillness. A stillness that I must find to go about this journey with intention.

Today: ouch!
Week: we shall see...

Run Again

I have been working on building mental and physical energy to get the running on track again... today, I actually got out on a run. My legs aren't quite up to the task yet. Hopefully a few short runs, and some decent stretching will help get things worked out.

Last year I used my running to help bring my life out of the darkness and haze of grief I was held up in. I can now look back and see that time as my Road of Ashes. This reference comes from a book called Iron John by Robert Bly, a book I have been reading for a while now (I'm kind of slow). As I read this book it seems like I am now entering a time where I may need to use my running to help develop my "warrior" self. The part of me that can carve out the environment for my soul to take the next step in the journey. The "warrior" that I speak of is not the warrior we know today (armies, terrorist, etc.) this is the mythical warrior, a state of being that is only one part of a person's (Iron John speaks directly to men) path to a fully developed self.

How will running help me in this matter... well, running was the last time I had a "warrior" self. A time when I was highly focused, committed, and disciplined, the last time in my life where I fiercely defended myself to achieve my goals. So, it is my hope that I can use the small steps of getting my running back in gear... as a teaching tool, and road map to getting my deeper self back in gear. We'll see how it goes. I'll keep you posted...

Today: 2ish miles
Week: the same