Morning Person...

Perhaps I will become a "morning person"... ok, now all of you who know me can get back up into your seats and compose yourself. Yes... I said it, the word "morning" in reference to myself, and not in the context of sleeping well into it. This week I have found myself up before 7 a.m... 4 out of 5 mornings. This is normal for some, and I have had working stretches of being up well before the sun for weeks on end (or never-ending as it often felt). However this week it was all on my own accord (with a little help from that pesky Brother... who certainly IS a morning person), and dare I say... I have enjoyed it. I have also been quite productive with this time, and feel a certain sense of reinventing myself by doing so.

I have had times in my life when I thought about making a change to really solidify a shift in my... lets say, "existence". You know, one of those times where you just know you need to change the dynamic of your world (perhaps inner, outer or both). Sometimes I cut my hair... or let it grow... or change locations (perhaps repeatedly every few weeks), jobs, start running/stop running... lots of things. This is where I am. The kind of shift where I want to create a different way of looking at the world (and maybe change the way the world looks at me). Changing a very ingrained pattern in my life (one that is often used to partially define me) is a pretty dramatic way to do that. It is also a pattern that has existed as a constant over all the types of changes that I listed above... thus giving it a different weight.

I have done a lot of processing and growing through this blog, and the past few years of dealing with my grief has been a great teacher. Yet... I haven't felt the shift of breaking free of that classroom... rarely taking ownership of what I have learned. This has left me frustrated. I have been waiting for the shift to happen to me, rather than creating the shift with my action. Knowledge is not worth much in the classroom... only when we leave that space and put it into action do we see the level of our understanding (and usually see we have a ways to go... which is actually the fun part). Not to say we never return to the classroom... but the trick is knowing when you are stuck there. And then the task becomes finding your way out.

I am going to see if this "early morning" door is my way out... out into a world that I know needs my full participation, rather than just the parts of me that get past my self-conscience fears. Can't say that it is going to be the only door for me, but it certainly will be potent statement that I am working on it. Today... it was a beautiful morning outside the classroom.

Today: 3 (early morning) miles
Week: 3 miles (plus 6 miles hiking)

Parking Lots...

Well, if yesterday was running bliss, on the wooded trails of Indiana... Saturday was the opposite. Today I ran from our hotel in Lafayette, across the parking lots and back lot fields of the main strip... taking in the invasive smells of fast food and car exhaust. However, the beautiful warm Spring sun faded out the lackluster backdrop, and it was still a pleasant (yet again short) run.

The terrain did have the positive effect of keeping things on the slow side, and this helped make it a relatively pain free run.

I have been thinking a great deal about how impatient I have been since the loss of my father. I didn't post anything this year on the passing of my Dads birthday (March 28)... However, I did write a bit here, and I think the thoughts show a parallel again on my path of running and grief. Through the process of losing my father I gained new insights about this world (and my own place in it), but it also brought a sense of helpless-urgency that is often difficult to tame. I tend to lose sight of the importance of steady progress, and more importantly... the freedom of being able to enjoy that process. When I set out to get in shape a few years ago (the beginningof this blog) I merely wanted to get back to someplace (regain a footing). I was able to use running as a tool to help me do that, but I had problems sustaining it. I lacked a certain discipline to continue building, and was missing an element of my own curiosity to see what each run would bring (both physically and mentally). For most of my life, running (like many things) was simply part of the routine, something I felt I needed to do (rarely exploring why). The last few months I have found myself struggling... sinking into many of the dark (and all to familiar) places... I often call this Unattended Sorrow. As Spring awakens the landscape, I am hoping to awaken my own understanding of the tools at my disposal. Running is one of those tools I will use to remind me of the ongoing processes of my fitness, and my life... Small steps, adding up to an ongoing path that is me.

Today: 2+ miles
Week: 5 miles

A Place to Start...

This is not a political blog... and this post is not about who I want you to vote for in the next election. It is simply about a place to start. If you have a half an hour... listen to the speech... or read the transcript. It is worth ALL our time to at least think about.



I can't help but feel that the words spoken by Senator Obama come at a needed time. If nothing else, needed for me. There are so many huge issues in our world today. So many obstacles to make dealing with those issues seem impossible. However, I also feel very strongly that if we can find "a place to start", a moment where we recognize the possibilities... we can create change. Change towards the better. That is a very different thing than having all the answers before embarking on the journey (something I am to often striving for... with dismal results). It is a spark that lights a fuse. It is a realization that we are in this together, no matter how different we all seem... and that at the root of it all... we are internally dealing with much of the same "stuff". A common grief.

Anyway, I am starting this next chapter without any grand statements, or major goals... instead I am starting with the curiosity of where my "starting place" will take me. Feel free to follow along as I write about it here. And thanks ahead of time for the energy you might add to the journey.