Crappy

I would say that I have been lazy the past couple of days... but it isn't that... I have been crappy. It is the times when I need to run the most that it is the hardest to make it happen. I have said before that running is self medicating for me. However, that sometimes backfires when the depression pushes the medication aside. It ends up being a bad cycle. It is a cycle that I am tired of, but that is the kicker... that just makes me feel more depressed... and thus deeper into the cycle I go. I am not sitting here feeling sorry for myself (or maybe I am), I am just... I don't even know.

Tomorrow I am driving up to Portland for a memorial service for a girl (a soon to be senior in high-school) that was at the camp that I was counseling at a month ago. She was a girl that was struggling through a lot of stuff, and that I felt I would get to watch work through that stuff to blossom into a beautiful treasure of experience. An accident on the river ended that. Death now rubs wounds raw for me. It puts me right back into a fog of questioning everything that I see around me. I feel like this is my first opportunity to use what I have been through to help others, but I am having trouble seeing my own strength to do that. I thought this week would be about "rockin-and-rollin" in preparation for new ventures in my life... instead I have been back putting my energy into getting out of bed in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other. I miss my Dad.

It will be good to go to the service and find some closure on this... so, I know that this week has been about processing for me. However, I guess that doesn't make it easier. I suppose I had some hope that since I worked really hard on my stuff, and felt like I had made a lot of progress... that I wouldn't so easily get pushed back into dark places. However, I also have come to understand that in part, that is just me... that with getting pushed down there, I also have the ability to bounce back just as quickly. It is all part of my equipment. So, even as I write this, it is with some faith that by following this path through... I will come out the other end as needed. That is the beauty of hope (and why it is so dangerous to loose it). I hope that your weekends treat you well... in what ever your life circumstances might be.