A Little Shaky: Part 3

I have learned over the past week or so that I am buried in my own pain. My fathers death was so long on the horizon that I was able to bury many years of pain associated with that. In fact, the last few years (when it was most in my face) I began to just shut out much of the world, because emotionally I could not take in any more (good or bad). When the day finally came (and he was gone)... there was very little pain. I saw it as a freeing of everyone involved. However, there was pain, but instead of it coming from outside, it was packed deep inside. Packed tight and tension filled. That tension has tightened my entire body, I think my jaw has been clinched for over 2 years now (I have to constantly remind myself to relax it), my shoulders carry it, my stomach... it has consumed my body. There were small releases, tiny quakes if you will... just waiting for "the big one" where it could all come spilling out, the pain of so many years rumbling to the surface. I am not sure if that has happened, but enough so that I am once again disoriented by my own demons. I am not exactly sure why I am sharing this, but I feel like it has to get out some how. You all have been so helpful in getting me back on the running horse, and so I will continue to have faith in the power of community. This eruption of pain has knocked me down a bit. I felt like I was doing so good, the running, trying to be better to myself... However, that has become really hard. I'm trying my best to remain aware and present to my pain... to work with it, understand it, but is so hard to break the habits of just wanting to bury it. As I said earlier, we often dream of the end result (the plaque, the title/job, the happy-ever-after), but rarely do we sit and dream about the every day little things that will get us there. When my dad was gone I dreamed of a healthy, free existence with that major life event behind me. I had the world at my fingertips... anything I wanted to do was possible. I didn't dream about the steps I needed to take to get to healthy and free. I tried to skip that part... the "journey" part... the important part.

And then, just when I think I am doing it all wrong, and so far off... I sit, breath, and think about the fact that I ran 5 miles today. The longest training run I have done in 3 years. Part of our journey is choosing to recognize it while it is going on. That is when we can make choices to change it, enjoy it, be present to it. So, yes, life hurts right now, but that is where my journey is... I am still moving forward. I choose to concentrate on that today.

Today: 5 miles (longest run in 3 years)
Week: 14 miles