No Fear

Today I ran as a different person. Sounds kind of corny, but I am serious... Today I was a different runner than I was on Saturday. For one, I did the same run 3 min faster than I had been doing it, but more important was why that happened. Because I felt good! Why was that? I believe it was because I was running without something. Today I ran without fear. I realized that part of what accomplishing my goal (the first part of it) was that it freed me to let go of fear (at least during my run). Fear that I wouldn't make it, that I wasn't good enough, etc... I let that go Saturday, and today I ran without the extra weight. It was great. Really for the first time since I started this I felt really connected to it, and it felt natural again. I saw a crack of light ahead to feel that way in my day to day life again as well. That is exciting to me.

Today: 33:10 (5 miles - now that I hit my mileage goal, I will be concentrating more on how long I was out for rather than how far I went)
Week: 5 miles

30

I did it! 30 miles this week, and felt pretty strong doing it (well, my legs are a little pooped... Speaking of poop, a bird pooped on my hand a block into the run. Luckly I had gloves on, and the only damage done was 5 miles of paranoia that I would wipe my face with the back of my glove... happy to say I didn't). Anyway, when I stopped my watch at the end of my run, I must say a big smile took over my face. I mean, even writing this now it is sort of choking me up. And it is not the number, technically about the 3rd week I could have put 30 miles in (that would have been ugly)... No, it is that I did it in a way that laid a foundation for me to now feel like I can keep going. It is the idea that 2 months ago there was very little in my life that I felt I was doing "right", that I was doing in a sustainable way. Now I am on the other end of two months of daily steps, and it feels good. I can now use the same approach to tackle something else in my life that I want to achieve.

I want to thank everyone who has been following along. Your presence on this journey was far more powerful than you will ever know. The biggest thing that I learned the past two months is that this is all about connection. I have received some amazing e-mails from you all, and the comments, and just the sense that when I headed out the door... I wasn't alone. Thank you!

Now the trick will be keeping this rolling...

Today: 5 miles
Week: 30 miles!!!

Cleaning out the Closet

Today, I cleaned my closet. Talk about fun... Sorting through this and that, dividing into "keep" and "time to let go of". I will admit that I am some what of a pack rat, you just never know when something will be useful. I do this both in the physical world, and even more so in my mental world. As I continue on this process of getting my "soul" back in shape, I am quickly approaching a time where I will need to clean out the closet in my heart. I have been working very hard to get my physical world in order before my trip so that when I return I am ready to roll. That has meant going through my "piles", not just moving them from one place to another, but sifting through and dealing. In that work has been reminders of the clutter in my heart. Things that I have held onto for one reason or another... Conversations (words both said to me and from me), relationships, ideas of where or who I should be at this point in my life, anger, fears. This is why when I crash mentally, it can be hard, and doesn't take much to trigger sometimes. I have realized this time around that this comes from the weight of all those piles in my heart. Things that if I were to let go of, I would be free to move on from and not be carrying around through my daily walk. This is easy to say, but hard to do. However, when I think about moving past the tightness in my chest, and breathing fully into my heart again. Being able to love fully (myself included) is something I want in my life. So I made a box... A "things to let go of" box. During my sorting, if I come across a physical reminder of something in my heart that it is time to let go of (a letter, pic, etc.) it goes into that box. Not to be buried again, but at sometime to be let go of. Something that I preached as a coach was that all the little things that you do add up to allowing you to put it together at some point (whether a race, or dreams and life ambitions). Speaking of such things... I got my miles in today and a nice little weights session. Have a great weekend all!

Today: 5 miles
Week: 25 miles
W

Holy Hills!

Today I did some hills... That blew some cobwebs out that I hadn't reached yet! Now that it is done, it was kind of nice (in a sick twisted sorta way). It took me back to all kinds of memories, "hills at the Fort" in my high school days, the golf course in Lamoni. I have actually always been fond of hills as a workout. It is very straight forward (and you KNOW you are doing something). At one point a few years ago I put together a training plan based completely on doing hills... I will have to dig that up. Anyway, it was short and sweet. The hill was about 150m, and pretty darn steep (got steeper as it went up). I thought I would do 8 when I ran by it the first time (I did a two mile warm up- with a good size hill just to get to the repeat hill), but after one round I realized that wasn't going to happen. So, 4 good solid hills to start me off. It felt good to push myself past (way past) comfortable, and seemed relevant to my upcoming travels. I say that because there will be a fair amount of pushing past comfort for myself on my trip. This is my first trip out of the country by myself, and there will be lots of exploring the unknown. I am looking forward to that challenge... And just like during those hills I will be saying, "I can do this, I can do this!"

Today: 4 miles
Week: 20 miles (two 5 mile days and I have my 30 miles week, yippee!)

Well...

I have slipped into a bit of the blahs... so I tried to make sure I got my run in early today. The good news is I got out the door, and I will call it 4 miles... I probably covered 5 miles, but a good bit of that was walking. Which, I am going to take advise given a few post ago, and not worry about it. The walking was actually nice. Sometimes it is easier to think about stuff while walking vs. running. Anyway, I think I am going to go get a weights set in as well, and a protein shake... my weight went back under 142 lbs today. I haven't been eating as well as I should (nor drinking my share of water).

Today: 4 miles
Weeks: 16 miles
W

Belize...

I wanted to let you all know that a week from Friday I will headed to Belize for a month. What?! Yup, I am taking a design course down there that will last two weeks, and then I am going to take a couple of weeks for myself. I am pretty darn excited! This is a course that I wanted to take since moving out here (4 years ago). When I saw that it was offered in Belize during Feb... I decided it was time. The course is in a design concept called Permaculture (contraction of "permanent" + "agriculture or culture"), it combines a lot of things that I am in to, gives a path to follow. Here are a few links with more info...

What is Permaculture?
The Belize Course

I am hoping to still get some posts up from Belize (and hopefully keep running)... should be an adventure!

No run today... it was a walk around town day.

Did it!

8 miles... Maybe just a hair short, but good enough for me today. I started off confident and strong, and after about 30min turned to sloppy and jelly like. However, no one said it had to be pretty. It was a good chance for my mind to meander. There are lots of things in my world to kick around, and a good long run is a helpful (healthy) place to do that. The endorphines are also a nice bonus that I don't get with the 3 milers. As I stated before... running was always a form of self medication. Time to go eat, replace all those calories burned away.

Today: 8 miles
Week: 12 miles

Strike One...

Well, my first attempt to run today was a bust... but I am soon off to try again. I got up, and put my running clothes on first thing (once they are on... you gotta go). Then it was off to Berkeley to enjoy a beautiful 8 miles by the bay. About half way there I realized... NO RUNNING SHOES! I had so much on my mind this morning (hopefully I will be sharing what that "stuff" is in the near future), I left without a very important part of the process. Anyway, I am off to try again. Hope all your Mondays are treating you well... as far as Mondays go.

Run to 30

The culmination of my plan starts today! I was shooting to get up into the 30 miles a week category, and this is the first week that should happen. It would have been hard to find a nicer day for it to begin on...

Today: 4 miles
Week: 4 miles

Tomorrow I am going to try to get an 8 miler in... Yup, about an hour, and my longest run to date (and probably where I will max out at for a while).

Coast Tour

Coast Tour,
originally uploaded by TreeBed.

No run today. Seth and I ended up taking an all day tour of the coast. I wish I would have brought my running stuff... it was a beautiful day. Oh well, gear up for my first week of 30 miles next week.

Hope your weekends are treating you well.

TGIF

Yeah, when you work for yourself TGIF doesn't really mean much, but it is a beautiful day so what the heck. I will celebrate other peoples excitement that it is nearly the weekend! As I said, it is a spectacular day, and I enjoyed a brisk morning run. It was chilly, but each time I popped out into the sun, I couldn't ask for much more. I hope that everyone has a great weekend...

Today: 5 miles
Week: 11+ miles
W

Mindfulness

No run today, but I wanted to share the opening words of the chapter that I read today (Unattended Sorrow, by Stephen Levine)... It built so well upon the things that I was thinking yesterday during my run.

MINDFULNESS IS KNOWING WHAT YOU ARE DOING WHILE YOUR ARE DOING IT- experiencing your life not as an afterthought but as a living presence.

Those were powerful words for me this morning, and I thought I would share.

Healthy Rain

Today was one of those days that as it went on I felt less and less like running... Fortunately I didn't listen to that feeling! I didn't make it down to Berkeley, instead I had to run something up to the store (napa). I took my stuff up there, but no... then I got back home, hmmm... "It is going to get dark, Vallejo is not Berkeley or Napa, kind of hungry, etc." Instead, "get dressed and get out the door for a good 3." I am glad that I listened to the second voice. Already after a few easy days my legs felt good, I remember when I could feel little notches of getting in shape. I felt one of those click in today... it felt good. Towards the end of my run it started to rain. It was a healthy, pleasant rain. I thought about the poem I wrote only a few weeks ago about the rain mixing with tears... today I was fed by the rain. I took my hat off, and let my hair dance around a bit. I could feel each drop hitting my scalp, it was wonderful! I realized today the beauty of getting older. Sometimes we look at all the things we lose as we get older, but we gain so much as well. I have felt the past two months that I am starting from scratch, in both my running, and in many ways my life. However, that is not true. I have 28 years of life under my belt (and a pretty good chunk of miles). If I choose, I can use those experiences in so many ways to help get me to where I am still trying to go. Sure we get knocked back on occasion, but we have that much more knowledge to work with next time. I will take that "experience" over the wasted excess energy of my younger self any day (although I wouldn't mind having those rubbery/indestructible joints back).

So today, to the challenges in my life I say... I am ready to step to the line and listen for the gun to go off... I will give it my best, and run the race with the knowledge that I am doing the little things to get me where I want to be (both for today, and for future goals). I also run with the knowledge that I have lots of teammates out there that are doing the same. They want to see me be successful, just as I want to see them achieve their goals. By supporting each other during both ups and downs, we have a pretty good shot of feeling good about things, no matter how the "race" turns out.

Today: 3+ miles
Week: 6+ miles

Rest Week

Well, as you can see by the lack of posts, it is a rest week. I didn't really hit my mileage goals the past 3 weeks, but I do have a lot to do this week so it works out. I feel comfortable jumping up to the 30 miles next week I have scheduled (mostly because I was able to increase my run length to 6-7 miles). Hard to believe I am already at the 30 miles (my unofficial goal)... it seemed so far away when I made that plan.

On my way to Berkeley, think I am going to hit my run down there. Hope everyone is having a great day!

Run Results

As I said, this isn't really a competitive thing, nor was time important (it was 8.5k, and there was a fair amount of walking at the beginning just to get up the stairs ;-) However, the results make a fun link, plus if you poke around on the site they have some pics and stuff. Off to do a quick run.

Here is a little blurb from the race director... "Yesterday was the perfect example of what spending the day running on beautiful trails with lots of fun people can do. As we stood at the start line in the pouring rain, waiting for the time that the last group of runners could start, it looked as if it was going to be a long, soggy day filled with shivering runners hurrying around the course, undistracted by the views, anxious to get back down the stairs and onto the ferry. Instead, the day was overflowing with muddy-yet-satisfied runners commenting on the spectacular views of the cities and bridges, the grazing deer, the various little eco-systems filled with blooming daffodils and Calla lilies and various mushrooms, and the incredible beauty and downright coolness that is Angel Island. Thank you so much for joining us yesterday, even with the threatening weather predictions, and for helping us to remember that it doesn’t take a perfect-weather day to have a blast on Angel Island." - Wendell & Sarah

Run Results

A Good Place to Start

This was a great initial "organized run"! Very non-competitive environment... basically a bunch of people getting together to enjoy a challenging run in a beautiful place. Here are some details of the day:

Waking up early this morning was a strangely familiar ritual. On my drive over to the run I thought about all my Saturday mornings at Graceland, getting up while everyone else on the hall was sleeping off whatever fun they had the night before. Check, and then re-check to make sure you have everything (check a third time for shoes and jersey ;-), then stumble down to the vans to drive off to who knows where. Grab a bagel or whatever was in "the box" we got from the commons. That really was a great time. I thought about all the little routines you build into your race day. Some are practical, and others purely ritual. I saw that this morning, each person having their little tricks. Since I was there alone (eh hem, mr. bessie ;-) it was nice to sit back and take it all in. Reconnect with all those little things that I forgot about race days... pinning a number to my jersey, lines for the bathroom, all the unique clothing choices, cute/fit runner girls, a general sense of community... an honored connection that you were all in this together. Some quiet and reflective, others giggling and joking, but no matter the outcome each runner was there looking for... there is a respect that if you were there, then good for you! It was nice to absorb.

As far as the race goes, it was up... then down. Right off the bat you had to climb a very steep series of stairs (I wasn't sure what I got myself into at that point), and then it was still a good bit of uphill to the halfway point. So, needless to say the first half was pretty slow. However, after going down for a bit, we then got on a good stretch of flat... that was the fun part. There was a guy just far enough ahead of me to make a good challenge to go after him. I forgot how much fun (and how much it hurts) to decide you are going to catch someone, and then go do it. The other highlight was some spectacular views... at one point we came around a corner, and there was the Golden Gate... I had to slow a bit just to take it in properly. I will definitely be doing some more of the Pacific Coast Trail Runs! It is a great chance to meet people, and get out on some awesome courses.

My shins are a little sore from the pounding they took coming down the hill, but for the most part I feel pretty good. Except for the part when I went after that guy, I didn't run much faster than any of my training runs.

Today: 6 miles
Week: 22 miles

Race Day

Race Day,
originally uploaded by TreeBed.

It has been awhile since I have pinned a number on... I had a good time. It poured right at the beginning (I am talking WALLS of rain), but after that it was a perfect running day. I will add some more thoughts later tonight.

Early...

I am up and off to the races... So, my plan is to warm up with the first mile... try and go pretty hard for 3, and then cruise in the last mile as a warm down. No problem. Hopefully the rain holds off for bit. I like the rain and all, but it is out on an island and I don't know how much "stuff" we can take (it is always the worst when you can't get warm afterwards).

Golden Gate Running

Skippy and I had a great run in Golden Gate Park today... It is always nice to get on some dirt and run in the trees, especially when running with someone. Then it was moving time. Luckily it was just up a flight of stairs... not to hard. So I got my weights in today too.

Today: 5+
Week: 16+

Running Solo...

It appears I will be going solo at my first race (eh um... I mean "organized run"). Chris comes up with this crazy idea, and now won't be running... because of a JOB of all things. Geeez! (this is his public harassment... now I will have to go to Yosemite and kick his butt... oh, darn). Anyway, I will look at it as a good opportunity to meet some people.

Going for a run with Skippy in the city today... more on that later.

Wednesday Weigh In #4- 146 lbs.

I was a little later in the morning getting my weight taken (post coffee, and light breakfast), but I do feel like I have put on a couple of pounds. Mostly it feels like "firm up" weight... that strength I have been feeling coming back. It is good to see my weight reflect that. I would still like to get up to about 150 lbs. However, with today's weight it appears I am on the right track.

50th Post

Thats about as interesting as it is going to get... Today I at least got 3 in. Thanks for sharing your crummy Mondays guys, it helped to see I wasn't the only one. Hopefully you both come back strong today!

Today: 3 miles
Week: 11 miles

I Tried

Shitty Day...

Today: 1 mile (and some walking...)
Week: 8 miles

The Punt

The past few weeks I have got myself into a cycle where I pack all my miles into the end of the week... just from a mental stand point I would rather do my long run early in the week and be running "down-hill" the rest of the week. However, when looking at my week, it is sometimes the 7 day total between weeks that should be looked at. I wanted to get back into a cycle of running my long run at the beginning of the week, so by running short yesterday that kept my 7 day total from going to far over what I want for a steady increase. Thus, yesterday I punted. Neat huh? Ok, whatever...

After a week or so of northwest grey... I could fully appreciate a beautiful sunset in the 60s along the bay this evening. It is nice to get another 7 in. I definitely get a different feeling from running over 45 min, and today was a bit easier than last week. I can feel a strength returning that I haven't had for sometime. I would like to say that means I am "in shape", but that just isn't how it works. I realized today that it would be silly for me to think that once I was able to run 7 miles that I would be "in shape", and by the same token, I can't expect to be done grieving because I read a book or take a certain length of time to process. It is back to being all about the journey. I ran 7 miles today, it felt really good, the sun was shining, I ate lunch with good friends who love me... I am alive and on many beautiful journeys. For that I am thankful.

Today: 7 miles
Week: 7 miles

Punting...

Forgot my watch, muddy trail (no, we are talking landslide muddy), short trail... Yeah, I am punting this week. I will explain later. That is the beauty of just trying to get in shape vs. trying to win the Olympics, you have some flexibility.

Today: 3 miles (my best guess)
Week Total: 20 miles (4 miles off.. thus the punt)

Beautiful Day

Lots of Water,
originally uploaded by TreeBed.

It was nice to see some sun on my return to the Bay. Although as you can see in the pic, there is still plenty of water around from all the rain they had. This is the run I did the first day of this blog... I remember wondering if the spill-way was ever used... questioned answered (the water is usually no where near that path). On that first day I had to walk up the hill (that is behind me in the pic), and that is when I thought about the idea for the blog... today the hill winded me, but the thought of walking didn't even enter my mind. I guess all those little steps add up after awhile. Thanks again for all of your help.

Today: 3 miles
Week: 18 miles

Forest Park

Forest Park,
originally uploaded by TreeBed.

Today was a pretty good day... I shifted my attitude a bit, and that was a good thing. It was also my longest run thus far. When I had my summer of 90 miles a week, I lived in Forest Park. A lot of miles logged on those trails. I enjoyed thinking about that time, and thinking about my dad (as well as others that I have lost in the last few years). I thought about the things that those people taught me, how they helped me to be who I am. I thought about the person they would hope for me to be... I am going to keep trying. That is all I can do.

Today: 7 miles (longest run to date)
Week: 15 miles

Wise Words

I am happy (yes those are strange words for the last few posts) to report that I got a solid 3 mile run in tonight. I don't run at night in Vallejo (come visit and you will see why), so it was nice. It is a route I have done a million times in my running days, and it felt good to soak that in tonight. However, the real highlight of the day was an e-mail that I got when I went to do this post, I am going to put it up because I want to remember it and also because I believe it will be a reference point for this process I am on.

Micah,

Again, I just wanted to say a few personal words, so I am getting back to you through this. I am sure the thing with your dad is hard. I have no real words to say anything to get around it, and I'm sure it is adding up. Luckily, I have never had a loss like that, but I know it cant be easy, and I don't know if I or anyone else would be over it by now.  That is something you may never be able to get over, and that shouldn't be a huge issue.

I know it is wierd to say, but I think it could be a good way to relate to your running.  I'm sure while you were growing up and running your dad could never always be there, but now you have the chance to have him with you every day when you are running or whatever else you may be doing.  I think if you could use this, it could possibly give you a better shot at enjoying
running, I know it may be tough to do, and I dont know if you already feel this way or not.  Just some advice to hopefully allow you to find more time to get the runs in and find them more enjoyable.  If anything else to help keep you going, know that you have helped me a lot through a lot when I was in Lamoni, you were always someone I could count on to talk to and a great coach, and thanks for that.

I am going to leave the writer's name out because it was sent as a personal note to me. However, I thank that person for their comments the past few days... you will probably never know how much they helped. It is another reminder of how important our communities are, and not being afraid to share our journeys. I have always been one to believe I could do it all on my own... I was wrong about that. Each person you let into your life has something to offer you. It may not always be obvious, or even what you are looking for, but it is there if you allow yourself to be open. Sometimes, it is just the right words at the right time (like above). That is when you have to sit back and smile (no matter how crappy you feel), because that is a wonderful gift. Thank you to all of you, if you are keeping up with this you have most likely blessed me in some way... and I thank you!

Today: 3 miles
Week: 8 miles

A Walk...

So far today has been about walking... I am reading a book (may have mentioned it before) called Unattended Sorrow by Stephen Levine, and the chapter that I read today was about taking a walk with yourself. It seemed very fitting after what I wrote yesterday. What it was saying was to take a walk and let in all the information around you, open yourself up to your life and where you are at... sort of like a moving meditation. It is hard. It is hard not to focus on where you are going, or that you should get out of the rain, or that homeless guy asking for change... it is hard not to get lost in those things or the flip side to just ignore them. But the goal being to remain right in the middle. Aware that those things are part of your walk, but so is the sensation of your feet making contact with the ground, and your breathing, and the tightness in your stomach (that is one of mine). (I will have to finish this later... parking meter is out of time... to be continued)

Ok, part two... well, I guess the bottom line is that I am need of practice. I need to see ALL that input as part of my life, good & bad. And as I bring up my awareness of the world around me, I will begin to see the balance once again... instead of just the pain and sorrow that I am often swamped in now. I have these small glimpses that put it all in perspective, and I want sooo badly to hang on to those moments. However, they are just moments, not unlike the "moments" of confusion, fear and hoplessness. Someday those too will wash freely in and out of me...

Going for a night run later...

A Run...

Wrote a poem on my run today... if you are not into poetry... sorry. Sometimes it is just how my thoughts come out.

Sometimes a run is about your left and right
Keeping the rhythm in step with your life.

On other days its the pounding of heart
Controlling something, while the rest falls apart.

Today its about feeling the rain,
As the drops hit my face and mix with my pain.

No matter the why, where or the how
A good run is often a beautiful way out.

As you might gather from the words, life is a bit rough around the edges right now... well, actually the roughness is really deep on the inside. However, I am pluggin away. The fact that I am still getting my runs in is giving me hope. So I will stick with that and hope that I come out the other side.

Today: 5 miles
Week: 5 miles

Saint Ralph

I just got done watching a great movie... and a "running" movie at that. Actually, I can't really think of a better movie to watch on the first day of the year. Especially since I am a bit on the down side of things (been battling the blahs for a bit... say that 5 times fast). The movie was Saint Ralph. It is about a kid who decides to try and win the Boston Marathon in attempt to create a miracle to bring his mom out of a comma. It comes down to being about putting yourself on the line for something you believe in. Taking a jump for something that doesn't seem possible or rational, and leaving nothing behind. I guess someone else found running as a good back drop and metephor for life situations. Anyway, I just wanted to share... it is not a Hollywood blockbuster, just a small Canadian film with a lot of heart. Check it out.